Act 00 Scene 00

Setting the Stage

30|00|13|12|L|Q|
29|00|13|12|R|Q|

Act 01 Scene 01

Long and Fast

10|00|00|12|L|S|This is a really long line. I can`t even see where it starts.
10|00|00|04|L|Q|
09|00|00|16|R|Q|

10|00|00|14|L|Q|
09|00|00|10|R|S|Yeah... Any idea what we`re waiting for?
09|00|00|04|R|Q|

10|00|00|06|L|S|It`s moving pretty fast though.
10|00|00|04|L|Q|
09|00|00|10|R|Q|

10|00|00|10|L|Q|
09|00|00|06|R|S|Is that a good thing?
09|00|00|04|R|Q|

10|00|00|08|L|T|????
09|00|00|08|R|T|????

Act 01 Scene 02

Quite a Few

21|00|00|10|L|S|There are a few people in this line.
21|00|00|02|L|Q|
20|00|00|12|R|Q|

21|00|00|12|L|Q|
20|00|00|10|R|S|Not just a few.
There are quite a few.
20|00|00|02|R|Q|

21|00|00|20|L|S|It`s not quite a few.
It`s almost a few.
But it`s not quite a few.
21|00|00|02|L|Q|
20|00|00|22|R|Q|

21|00|00|12|L|Q|
20|00|00|10|R|S|Oh, no...
It`s quite a few.
20|00|00|02|R|Q|

21|00|00|12|L|T|!!!!
20|00|00|12|R|T|!!!!

Act 01 Scene 08

God`s God

23|00|00|10|R|S|Pretty unlucky ending up here, huh?
24|00|00|10|L|Q|

23|00|00|10|R|Q|
24|00|00|10|L|S|You don`t know the half of it.

23|00|00|20|R|S|I guess everybody thinks that they are the one who is so unlucky.
24|00|00|20|L|Q|

23|00|00|10|R|Q|
24|00|00|10|L|S|Here`s how unlucky I am.

23|00|00|48|R|Q|
24|00|00|48|L|S|If my God had a God, my God`s God would punish my God for treating me so poorly.

23|00|00|10|R|S|Are we still talking about luck?
24|00|00|10|L|Q|

23|00|00|10|R|Q|
24|00|00|10|L|S|It`s all a matter of perspective.

Act 01 Scene 99

Intermission 1

01|00|13|04|R|Q|
02|00|13|04|R|Q|
03|00|13|04|R|Q|
04|00|13|04|R|Q|
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27|00|13|04|R|Q|
28|00|13|04|R|Q|
29|00|13|04|R|Q|
30|00|13|04|R|Q|

Act 02 Scene 05

Million Sneezes

15|00|00|06|R|S|Here`s one for you.
15|00|00|04|R|Q|
16|00|00|10|L|Q|
11|00|00|10|L|Q|

15|00|00|30|R|S|If there are 7 billion people in the world, and the average person sneezes once per day...
15|00|00|04|R|Q|
16|00|00|17|L|Q|
16|00|00|17|L|T|????
11|00|00|34|L|Q|

15|00|00|24|R|S|That means that every second, over eighty thousand people sneeze.
15|00|00|10|R|Q|
16|00|00|17|L|Q|
16|00|00|17|L|T|!!!!
11|00|00|34|L|Q|

15|00|00|08|R|Q|
16|00|00|08|L|S|Nobody in this line is sneezing.
11|00|00|08|L|Q|

15|00|00|16|R|Q|
16|00|00|16|L|Q|
11|00|00|06|L|Q|
11|00|00|04|L|S|Ah choo!
11|00|00|06|L|Q|

15|00|00|10|R|Q|
16|00|14|04|L|S|Very funny!
16|00|14|06|L|Q|

15|00|00|08|R|Q|
16|00|00|08|L|Q|

15|00|00|14|R|Q|
16|00|00|14|L|S|The average person flushes the toilet several times a day!

15|00|00|26|R|S|And if it takes ten seconds for a toilet to flush, at four flushes per day...
15|00|00|06|R|Q|
16|00|00|32|L|Q|

15|00|00|26|R|S|That means that at any given moment, over three million toilets are flushing.
15|00|00|06|R|Q|
16|00|00|16|L|Q|
16|00|00|16|L|T|!!!!

15|00|00|16|R|Q|
16|00|00|08|L|Q|
16|00|00|08|L|S|I think I can hear them.

Act 02 Scene 07

Planting Seed

09|00|00|12|L|Q|
08|00|00|08|R|S|Do you think God will be hard on homosexuals?
08|00|00|04|R|Q|

09|00|00|04|L|S|Not really.
09|00|00|04|L|Q|
08|00|00|08|R|Q|

09|00|00|12|L|Q|
08|00|00|08|R|S|It`s an abomination! That`s what He said.
08|00|00|04|R|Q|

09|00|00|18|L|S|God`s all about procreation.
`Be fruitful and multiply.`
And all that.
09|00|00|04|L|Q|
08|00|00|22|R|Q|

09|00|00|06|L|Q|
08|00|00|04|R|S|Yeah?
08|00|00|02|R|Q|

09|00|00|24|L|S|He doesn`t want us to waste it.
You know,
``Better to plant it in the belly of a whore than to spill it on the ground.``
09|00|00|04|L|Q|
08|00|00|28|R|Q|

09|00|00|06|L|Q|
08|00|00|04|R|S|So?
08|00|00|02|R|Q|

09|00|00|20|L|S|He`s just a little miffed that the gays aren`t putting it where it can grow. That`s all.
09|00|00|04|L|Q|
08|00|00|24|R|Q|

09|00|00|12|L|Q|
08|00|00|10|R|S|Then that would be true for all forms of sodomy, including oral.
08|00|00|02|R|Q|

09|00|00|04|L|S|True enough.
09|00|00|02|L|Q|
08|00|00|06|R|Q|

09|00|00|08|L|Q|
08|00|00|08|R|Q|

09|00|00|24|L|S|It also means that if wasting semen is a sin,
then the gays are sinning,
but the lesbians are not.
09|00|00|04|L|Q|
08|00|00|28|R|Q|

09|00|00|08|L|Q|
08|00|00|08|R|Q|

09|00|00|12|L|Q|
08|00|00|10|R|S|No seed wasted there I guess.
08|00|00|02|R|Q|

Act 02 Scene 08

Year of our Lord

25|00|00|24|R|S|So if you reject God, and you refuse to celebrate Christmas, how do you keep time?
25|00|00|04|R|Q|
26|00|00|28|L|Q|

25|00|00|06|R|Q|
26|00|00|06|L|S|What?

25|00|00|30|R|S|I mean,
our whole calendar
is based on the
Year of our Lord.
You can`t subscribe
to that, can you?
25|00|00|04|R|Q|
26|00|00|34|L|Q|

25|00|00|06|R|Q|
26|00|00|06|L|S|Listen...

25|00|00|38|R|S|I suppose
you base your
calendar on the
carbon-dating
of the Earth.
So...
what`s that
make it?
About year
4 billion?
25|00|00|04|R|Q|
26|00|00|42|L|Q|

25|00|00|06|R|Q|
26|00|00|06|L|S|That`s stupid.

25|00|00|06|R|Q|
26|00|00|06|L|Q|

25|00|00|08|R|S|Must be hard to fit that on checks.
25|00|00|02|R|Q|
26|00|00|10|L|Q|

25|00|00|14|R|Q|
26|00|00|10|L|S|Nah, our bank gives us special checks with a big blank.
26|00|00|04|L|Q|

25|00|00|06|R|Q|
26|00|00|06|L|Q|

25|00|00|36|R|S|March 27th,
in the year
of our planet
4,509,831,672.
Has a nice ring to it.
25|00|00|04|R|Q|
26|00|00|40|L|Q|

Act 02 Scene 99

Intermission 2

01|00|13|04|R|Q|
02|00|13|04|R|Q|
03|00|13|04|R|Q|
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Act 03 Scene 01

Dark Tunnel

00|DK|00|06|R|S|Do you know where you are?
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|08|R|Q|

00|DK|00|08|R|Q|
00|00|07|06|R|S|The long dark tunnel?
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|S|Yeah...
And I`m the bright light at the end of it.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|14|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|Q|
00|00|07|10|R|S|Actually, you look kind of grayish.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|S|Alright, then I`m the black light in the foyer.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|14|R|Q|

00|DK|00|18|R|Q|
00|00|07|16|R|S|Who has a black light in their foyer? Hippies maybe.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|S|Alright, then I`m the neon sign over the front door.
00|DK|00|04|R|Q|
00|00|00|18|R|Q|

00|DK|00|18|R|Q|
00|00|07|14|R|S|``Budweiser.
King of Beers.``
Blink, blink, blink.
00|00|00|04|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|S|You do realize you`re about to meet your maker?
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|14|R|Q|

00|DK|00|18|R|Q|
00|00|07|16|R|S|``Check Cashing.
Open 24 Hours.``
Blink, blink, blink.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|18|R|S|Forget the neon sign! Are you prepared to meet God?
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|20|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|Q|
00|00|07|12|R|S|I`m sure God would never have a black light in His foyer.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|06|R|S|Oh brother.
00|00|00|06|R|Q|

00|DK|00|20|R|Q|
00|00|07|18|R|S|Maybe a nice Tiffany lamp. Or some accent lighting...
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|04|R|Q|
00|ST|07|04|R|Q|

Act 03 Scene 04

All Knowledge

00|DK|00|08|R|S|Have you forgiven your trespassers?
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|10|R|Q|

00|DK|00|06|R|Q|
00|00|07|04|R|S|I guess.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|S|You guess?
Do you know
how many people
in Heaven are
holding a grudge
against you?
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|16|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|Q|
00|00|07|10|R|S|Well,
Bob from work is probably still pissed...
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|10|R|S|None!
Zero.
Do you know why?
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|12|R|Q|

00|DK|00|16|R|Q|
00|00|07|14|R|S|Because once your dead there`s nothing you can do about it?
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|S|Because when you get to Heaven, you understand why.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|16|R|Q|

00|DK|00|04|R|Q|
00|00|07|02|R|S|Why what?
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|10|R|S|Why Mary slapped Bill at the office party.
Why Jenny didn`t...
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|12|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|Q|
00|00|07|12|R|S|Oh yeah!
Bill probably said something stupid and off-color.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|22|R|S|That`s not the point!
The point is you will know why trespasses happened, and understand.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|24|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|Q|
00|00|07|12|R|S|So just because
I know why
someone hurt me,
is enough for me
to forgive them?
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|S|When you can see the whole picture,
it all makes sense.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|14|R|Q|

00|DK|00|10|R|Q|
00|00|07|08|R|S|That does make it easier to let it all go.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|04|R|Q|
00|ST|07|04|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|S|Actually,
it was because Bill goosed her at the water cooler.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|

Act 03 Scene 05

Democratic Heaven

00|DK|00|08|R|S|Oh,
it`s you.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|10|R|Q|

00|DK|00|06|R|Q|
00|00|07|04|R|S|It`s me!
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|S|Uh... Actually...
You have been
voted out.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|16|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|Q|
00|00|07|10|R|S|What do you mean,
`Voted out`
???
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|12|R|S|We took a vote.
You didn`t get enough support.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|14|R|Q|

00|DK|00|16|R|Q|
00|00|07|14|R|S|You can`t get voted out of Heaven!
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|S|In fact, it turns out, you can.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|16|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|Q|
00|00|07|12|R|S|Most of the people in Heaven don`t even know me.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|10|R|S|Everybody in Heaven knows you.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|12|R|Q|

00|DK|00|14|R|Q|
00|00|07|12|R|S|So,
insult one,
insult all?
Is that it?
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|22|R|S|Pretty much.
More than just one,
though, wasn`t it?
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|24|R|Q|

00|DK|00|16|R|Q|
00|00|07|14|R|S|I thought as long as you believed in Jesus, you were in.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|16|R|S|That`s just the
story we tell,
so we can see what
you`re really like.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|
00|00|00|18|R|Q|

00|DK|00|10|R|Q|
00|00|07|08|R|S|Bummer.
Thought I had a free pass.
00|00|00|02|R|Q|

00|DK|00|04|R|Q|
00|ST|07|04|R|Q|

00|DK|00|16|R|S|Just kidding.
You`re golden.
Still an ass, though.
00|DK|00|02|R|Q|

Act 03 Scene 99

Intermission 3

01|00|13|04|R|Q|
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Act 04 Scene 01

Is that it?

01|00|13|08|R|Q|
02|00|13|08|R|Q|
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30|00|13|08|R|Q|


01|00|13|28|R|Q|
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11|00|13|28|R|Q|

12|00|13|06|R|S|Hey.
How are you?
12|00|13|04|R|Q|
12|00|13|12|R|S|Oh right.
You`re fine.
I knew that.
Everybody`s fine.
12|00|13|06|R|Q|

13|00|13|06|L|Q|
13|00|13|04|L|S|You know.
13|00|13|12|L|Q|
13|00|13|06|L|Q|

14|00|13|28|R|Q|
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01|00|13|44|R|Q|
02|00|13|44|R|Q|
03|00|13|44|R|Q|
04|00|13|44|R|Q|
05|00|13|44|R|Q|

06|00|13|04|R|Q|
06|00|13|08|R|S|I have two children.
06|00|13|04|R|Q|
06|00|13|12|R|S|They were in the front row at the funeral.
06|00|13|04|R|Q|
06|00|13|08|R|S|Oh yeah. That`s right.

06|00|13|04|R|Q|

07|00|13|04|L|Q|
07|00|13|08|L|Q|
07|00|13|04|L|S|I know.
07|00|13|12|L|Q|
07|00|13|04|L|S|I know.
07|00|13|08|L|Q|
07|00|13|04|L|Q|

08|00|13|44|R|Q|
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17|00|13|04|R|Q|
17|00|13|10|R|S|Not much to talk about up here,
is there?
17|00|13|04|R|Q|

18|00|13|04|L|Q|
18|00|13|10|L|Q|
18|00|13|04|L|S|I know.

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